The Principal's Office

James Sr: James junior! Them passing grades you got? You didn't deserve them, they just gave em to you to get rid of ya!

Principal Kirkman:James, it's up to you now. If you want to move along in the senior year with your class mates, our school is right behind you.

Mr. Kirkman... I'm proud to go along with your quota system and take my place in the senior class!

...Later that day James Sr. announces that he lost out on a new job opportunity. Because he couldn't think of the right words and couldn't spell the ones he had thought of. J.J. thinks for a moment, then says "Dad, I'm goin' to the 12th grade, but I'm gonna' study this time. And if I have trouble, I'm gonna get help" (Patting Michael's head).

Michael: It's hard to decide who's the most famous African American, there's so many. Well you completely forgot about Elroy Duncan!  Michael: Who was he? He did more for Blacks than anybody -- he invented the hot comb! 

18th Birthday - J.J's Arrested

Today is the proudest day of my life, when I officially pass from boyhood into adultery!

Michael:Hey J.J! What'd you wish for? I wished that I could be so rich that I could sit back, in my Cadillac, and have a Big Mac!

And now to open Thelma's present -- the wonderful cap! Thelma: How'd you know that? I did a little search and seizure in your room the other day... Ah! The color I wanted!  Thelma: That's not the one I bought! I know, I already exchanged it! -- when the chicks see this hat, I'm gonna have wall to wall hickeys!

...Later that same day, J.J. is falsely arrested. Policeman: James Evans junior, arrested on suspicion of armed robbery... Little Michael shouts in anger: I bet you wouldn't be stickin' it to him if he was White! Florida: Michael! That's enough out of you! let your father do the talking! 

Policeman: J.J. you fit the description of the suspect -- a tall, skinny, young, Black man. You just described most of Chicago!

Michael: We gotta take this to the Supreme Court! They got a Black judge there, and he don't fool around like y'all do!

Loretta's In Labor

J.J is frantic: Hello? Doc? Look here! I got one of your patients here about to have a baby! See you at the clinic. Check? ...Just do what? Are you sure you a baby Doctor? Oh! (J.J hangs up). I dialed the wrong number! I got the pet hospital! Michael: J.J, are you sure? It musta' been! He told me to put Loretta in a cardboard box and let nature take it's course!
J.J dials again: Hello? Yellow Cab Company? Look here man! We need one of your vehicles right away! ...Yeah! ...Oh no, we just right over here in the projects and... (Operator hangs up). Hello? Hello? They afraid to come in to this neighborhood! No wonder they call their cabs yellow!

Out of Order

J.J is shivering:Ooh! It's freezin' in here! What happened to the heat? By the time it gets up here, it's air conditioning!

Thelma: Mama the fridgerator's broke again! Florida: Oh no! Now all my food is gonna spoil! Nuh-uh! The heat went out a half hour ago!

Florida: I got pork chops for dinner. The last time we had meat in here was when Chicken Delight made a wrong delivery!

Thelma: The water's not working! Man! Pretty soon we gonna' have to go to the bathroom at the gas station! We only gonna' be able to go on odd numbered days! 

Florida: J.J. we can't afford $20 for bar bells. Mama! Summer's comin' on! I need muscles when I put on a T-shirt this summer! I just don't wanna look like a T! I wanna be Tall, Tan and Terrific! 

Some White Guy: Somebody's getting mugged on the 14th floor!!! You lucky the mugger was busy, otherwise, you'd a been the muggEE.

J.J is annoyed: What is that music?  Thelma: That's Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. Well tell the swans to get out -- the lake's polluted!

James Sr: Junior, how come you painted it purple? That purple has a definite, symbolic meaning. James Sr: What does it symbolize son? It symbolizes that I'm out of black paint!

Florida: Junior the alarm's set for 6AM. Only ones up at that hour is the garbage men. And the way the streets look, they droppin' it off insteada' pickin' it up!

Thelma: J.J. it's 7 AM get up! Wow, I dreampt I was chasin' this foxy chick... and her father was chasin' me, and the muggers was chasin' him, and the police was chasin' the muggers. Sort of a ghetto marathon!

J.J is stoked: Mama can make a chicken last for three days! Florida: Now that's kinda' stretching things. Yeah! Day one, you swish it around in some boilin' hot water and we got chicken soup! Day two is the teaser, you take the wings, the thigh, and the neck, and you get somethin' that's so yummy, it tickles your tummy! Day three, you got the legs, the thigh, and the breasts. You got somethin' so light, we call it Chicken Dy-no-mite!

J.J explains: Muscatel is the champagne of the people. It don't sparkle, it don't bubble, it just kinda lies there.

Thelma: Has anybody seen my hair-spray? Yeah! it's under the sink. I used it last night to wipe-out some bugs! Thelma: You used my hair-spray on bugs? Yeah, but it didn't do nothin for em. They was all bald!

Michael: Daddy high blood pressure can cause kidney malfunction! In this house a person can get kidney malfunction waiting for Thelma to get outta the bathroom!

Florida: Where's Thelma? In the bathroom, as usual. She spends more time in there than the tidy bowl man!

J.J enters: Dad, Mr. Garrett wants you to fix his alarm clock. He needs it back by Tuesday night, so he can get up on time to collect his unemployment insurance!

Thelma: Mama might be in a tv commercial! Hey! That'd be groovy, bein' the son of a famous movie star, I'd have my own Cadillac to drive down and get my food stamps!

James Sr: Junior, get your Mother a glass of water. Water? She aint drinkin' nothin' but the best from now on... Kool aid!

Thelma: J.J where'd you get stamps to mail a letter? I don't need no money for stamps! The last six letters I painted em on!

Florida: J.J! The Vice Principal is not in charge of vice. Ma, you haven't been to school lately.

Willona: What are you two lovely parents doing this evening? James Sr: It's a choice between turnin' on the tv and watchin' the fights -- or openin' up the windows and listenin' to 'em!

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